Yes, we’ve all been there and done that.  Every parent among us is guilty of this offense and not just once but we do it again and again (I call it Yell-itis) … apparently we don’t learn from our mistakes but the guilt that comes after is enormous. Sometimes we feel powerless against the urge to just yell at the lil’ one rather than keeping our cool. I admit I’ve lost it many times too but today rather than just pointing out the problem I want to look for answers.

Yelling is like adults acting out!

It is our Instinct

It’s something we are born with, I guess, whenever the situation is not in our favor we get mad, in some situations we feel powerless and keep our emotions to ourselves (have you ever yelled at your boss or a cop or a person of authority? )  But where we feel we have some power or authority over the other person we show our emotions accordingly. Would you agree?

Finding Triggers

First thing to do to cure the Yell-itis is to find out the triggers … yes triggers! There’s always a reason behind our actions therefore we need to find out the source of the problem to try and cure it. Yelling can be triggered by both sides sometimes its us the grownups and sometimes the lil’ ones that are at the root of the problem. Below are some examples of triggers originated by either side which can unleash the hulk inside us.

                When it’s you

-          In the middle of something important

-          Trying to concentrate on something

-          Pressed for time

When it’s your kids

-          Kids not listening to you

-          Kids acting out

-          Kids not stopping after you have told them repeatedly

Find your kid’s triggers to act out

As important as it is to identify our triggers we also need to identify what triggers our kids to act out. Some questions to ask ourselves and clues to look for in our kids are:

               Are they sleepy or not feeling well? Are they hungry? Do they want your attention? Do they need you do something for them?

Trust me; this exercise helps a lot to put your kid and yourself at ease. You are a parent and you know your kids the best and I’m sure if you start looking for clues to their misbehavior, you’ll notice they are not hard to find.

Things to Work on:

1.       Dealing with Rage

                First and foremost thing is to calm yourself down, the world hasn’t come to end so just take a deep breath and relax your nerves. Once you are relaxed you’ll be able to handle the situation a little better.

2.       Stop feeling Guilty

                The first guilt that we face after yelling is that ‘we are not good parents’, ‘we’ve scared our kid for life’etc. Stop feeling guilty because every one of us does that (Yes, even the ‘holier than thou’ one’s too). The guilt is even worse after a public brawl with the kids, part of the reason is that we feel humiliated that our kids are not very well behaved. Again, the answer is: It happens with everyone; you are not alone and trust me kids’ acting out is not a reflection on your parenting.

3.       Listen!

                 Always try to listen to what kids are trying to say and if your kid is too mad to express his feelings then give him a hug, or hold him close let him pipe down and then ask them what was it that was bothering them? I’ve tried this technique with my 4 year old and have seen better results.

4.       Being Firm is not Yelling

                Do understand that kids are just kids they have a lot to learn as they grow and dealing with anger, frustration and disappointment are the emotions they have to learn. Sometimes they’ll be frustrated and upset after you’ve said ‘No’ to something they wanted. Learning to deal with their emotions is part of their emotional development. So next time your kids feels frustrated or angry let him deal with it on their own and don’t try to fix everything for them.You need to be firm when you want them to behave a certain way because as parents we are also responsible for teaching them the right stuff. You need to be approachable and authoritative at the same time.

5.       Keep at it

                Don’t let any bad behavior go unnoticed, this is only going to come back and haunt you. If the kids are not guided at the proper time they try the same strategy again, For example; if a kid figures out that his mom will give him candy when she is on phone just to quite him down, then you’ll see that the child will always try to ask for candy when you are on the phone, kids are not as naïve as we think they are, they can decode behavioral patterns and take advantage of the situation. Therefore, keep reinforcing your rules and don’t let your kids break it. It’s going to make your life easier and your kid’s life as well, because having rules provides a sense of security.

Do you have a kid who’s shy? Me too! My son wasn’t shy at first but as he grew older he became more and more shy. I think I played a role there too, as all first time moms I was an over-protective, over-obsessive, and overbearing mom, not to mention a germaphobe as well. I would not take him to public places because I felt these places are filthy and filled with germs, I would not let him out of my sight anytime, I didn’t even trust anyone to babysit him, even my own parents or my husband’s parents. When he started crawling and then walking I secluded him and myself for months just because I was not comfortable taking him to some place that wasn’t clean or where there were other kids his age because I always thought he could get hurt.

I soon realized that my over protectiveness was doing more harm than good. When he started school he got sick more often than other kids all because he was always in a sanitary environment and his immune system wasn’t strong enough to fight germs. On top of being sick for the most part of the school year he was very very shy, his teacher told me that he’d rather play by himself in a corner than participating in the group activities like circle time and story time, he was excelling in everything academic but he was behind in his social skills.

One more thing that most of us parents do is when our kid doesn’t say hi to someone or hide behind us in front of strangers; we tell other people that “oh, He’s shy!” One very wise lady told me never to say that your child is shy because it gives your child sort of a sign to hide behind, they think that being shy is a thing and its ok for them or their parents to say that “I’m shy/ He’s shy” and do nothing about it. Parents should rather say that their kids are slow to warm up to new situations or new people.

 How to cure shyness you ask? Well, here are the steps I took to help my son be more interactive and be more receptive of new people and places.

1.       My first mistake was to be over-protective, the cure here was for me I needed to take a step back and watch my son learn and grow from a safe distance. I started taking him to public places where there were kids his age like Mall’s play area, park etc. It took some time for him to warm up to other kids but soon I started noticing a difference in his demeanor when he was around other kids and people.

2.       My second mistake was being a germaphobe, I came to the rude awakening that I cannot keep my son in a bubble and I can’t keep him locked up in the house just because of germs. I now keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse and we wash our hands after taking trips to play areas and parks just to be careful and guess what he gets sick a lot less than before.

3.       My third mistake was to come to his rescue every time I thought he was struggling. Now, as I have mentioned before, I have learned to take a step back and let him explore his surroundings.  I love watching him figure out the solutions to the problems in front of him, I actually feel proud when he comes up with creative solutions.

I have noticed considerable improvement in my son’s confidence level. Before, he used to cringe from the idea of being in a situation where there were other people and now he loves to be around other people. Therefore, I’m happy to report that shyness can be cured.

Yes! Every time I utter the words “I’m a stay at home mom” I feel a little unaccomplished. I feel like other women who work outside the house look down upon the moms who stay home and take care of the little ones. Common notion is that we sit around all day watching soaps and have long chats with friends on phones. Well, that’s not the truth, with little ones around there is no moment of rest, there are a million things that need to be taken care of, there are the regular chores and then the kids need our time and attention as well. People think that it’s a luxury to stay home but it’s not.

It is my belief that far more things are expected of a stay at home mom than a working woman. Everybody thinks that only because we stay home we have lots and lots of time on our hands. Our families and friends expect a lot from us, we are expected to keep the house spotless, prepare extravagant home cooked meals, be available for various social engagements because apparently we have lots of time on our hands, Right!

The social pressures are so much that often times we know we are doing the right thing but still keep kicking ourselves. We keep second guessing ourselves; we keep judging ourselves, we keep thinking “I’m I doing it right?” hence the low self-esteem, we don’t give ourselves enough credit for what we do and neither does the society.

Once I was talking to someone and the person asked if I worked at the same place as my husband? And I said “No, I’m a stay at home mom and take care of my three year old” and I cannot describe in words the look on this person’s face after hearing what I had said (you guessed it! It was of disgust), he responded; apparently talking to my son who was with me as well “I think you are old enough take care of yourself”. To him it wasn’t a good reason for me to stay home, I immediately felt humiliated and angry at the same time by the tone of this person.

I have had similar experience with other people as well and to my amazement from other women. Every time a working lady asks me what I do? I answer by saying that I’m a stay at home mom and the response I commonly hear is “Lucky!” What does luck has to do with me raising my own kids? I work hard at what I do and I don’t want to pay someone else to raise my kids. It’s not like my husband makes insane amount of money, but both he and I work hard to make the ends meet and manage to stay home with the kids as well. I’m not being lazy by staying home I make myself useful by keeping an eye on the household budget, I keep track of each and every penny that we spend, we hardly ever dine out, there’s a home cooked meal on the table every day, which is way more nutritious and costs less than eating out. Yes, there are sacrifices that each of us makes in order for me to stay home with kids but trust me there are no regrets or resentments. At the end of the day, I know that my kids are more important than a paycheck.

 It’s not like I’ll never work or I don’t want to work, I do! I want to work and contribute to my family’s income but I want to wait until my kids go to school full time. It will give me a piece of mind that I’m not neglecting them and missing all of their important milestones. I would never miss any of those precious moments

Yes we may be under appreciated for the things we do for our families but what we are doing for our kids is far more important that what others think of us.